So I have mind boners for several individuals.  Normal people call this idolization.  I don’t like that word and mind boner is much more accurate.

One of them posted this gem of a post titled “Classic line: “She should like me for who I am”” and it’s the inspiration for today.

I highly recommend you check it out.

Okay so mind boners aside, I just wanted to take a second and say I’m fucking unattractive.  Allow me some bullet points.

  • I dropped out of college with no degree
  • I’m 25(2 weeks from 26) and have no car
  • I have no full time job– because I’m lazy (for about 7 of the past 11 months) and stubborn (for the remaining 4 of the past 11 months of being technically unemployed)
  • I was in college for like… fuck 6 years(?!?!? Yes really..) before I did drop out
  • I make basically enough money to support myself and sometimes not even that much
  • I still have toys.  Kind of a lot of them.  Most of which were bought in the past 3 years, before my financial hardships.

And I sit here and have the audacity to wonder “how did it go wrong?” with my recent ex!

Ridiculous right?  Worse than that, lack of funding slaughters my confidence and so I have issues getting laid.  Okay, not huge ones, I’m sexy as fuck in the looks department and can lay on the charm pretty thick but when it counts, when it’s a girl I really like (like my recent ex), I fail out and yet don’t have the balls to just say “hey this is a bad idea, let’s reschedule”.  This post is a reflection of a change there though.  Fuck dating.

Despite that, I’m happy.  If you read that post, he talks a lot about his guy friends who whine about not being able to attract girls.  I really don’t have that issue, amazingly.  I get it.

I’m not attractive and so I don’t really try.  Girls find me, we go on dates and i become a placeholder.  I’m the in-between guy until she finds someone she’s really keen on.  I want more but, without the rest of my life in order, I’m not surprised at all to find girls never stay.  What else would I expect?!?!?

My recent ex, well… I forgot I’m just the placeholder.  I thought I was more so I visited for a week.  And I wasn’t confident.  And it went horribly!

So know your place, guys and gals!  If you’re not attractive, then change it or resign to it.  In my case, I’m an aspiring entrepreneur.  HUGE on aspiring.  I make bits of money here and there but nothing solid and not consistently (that old laziness is a problem).  My “someday” is still coming.  It’s getting sharper and sharper in focus.  And I’m about to launch a thing but my life (and how I rationalize my lack of regular employment) is almost like a self-assigned punishment.  Until I get this area of my life handled, I don’t deserve the kind of love I want.

Ultimately it’s kind of stupid though, don’t you think?  I mean, to do a lot of what I want would just require a simple job application.  Several businesses near my home–literally across the street in one case–are hiring, the neighbor offered to hook me up at his job out of the blue and the money would be nice.  So why don’t I?  Why don’t I “put my time in” like everybody else?  Arrogance, laziness, and this persistently annoying thought of “I don’t have to”.

If that makes you mad, wait until I actually make it.  Or end up homeless.  Really these are the only two ways this life track shakes out…