Reposted from elsewhere.  Those in the know will know, those who don’t… well you’re just unlucky.  I love the other place I posted this.  😉

I chuckle as I traipse through my life.  I have an Okcupid and… well the other site that this post was posted at.   Consistently I see ads.  The bad ones all have the same subtext–most without the subtext, they wear it like a banner and never realize the message they send.  I see “I need …”.  “I need an older man”.  “I need a girlfriend” (posted by the paramount of pathetic–something very similar to ‘lonelyguy7’ I shit you not.  Anyway…).

And it always smacks of desperation. There are points of my life where I can definitely relate. So I don’t judge (except in cases of the “banner wearing” types). I chuckle because desperation will never lead to something you want. And the delusion that it will… well it’s a silly time in life. It doesn’t feel silly to you, I know that. But one day, you’ll look back and think “god I was stupid.” Kind of like high school. Think back to all those dramas… all those little assertions of “this stuff matters” and then you get to the real world. The only place anything from high school matters is in college and that only goes so far as getting scholarships. Nothing else mattered from those times. Work ethic would be the only deep skill set you’ll need and you best damn hope you learned it in high school. To learn it in college costs tens of thousands of dollars. But I digress.

So let’s lay a few things out there that you’ve heard but maybe never understood–I know I didn’t… understand I mean.

“The best people come when you aren’t looking.”

Yea, it’s true. So in my desperate times I intentionally forced myself into the mindset of “I’m not dating or looking or anything right now”. It forced me to prioritize. Okay, what do I do with my career now? What about this that and the other thing. The focus shifted. And I got into the mindset of “When the rest of my life fits, I’ll worry about women.” Why? Because when I try in desperation, I only find people who are attracted to desperation. And frankly, those are the worst kinds of people. Leeches and parasites, attracted to drama like moths to a flame. But the real danger is finding someone who is perfect for you… and scaring them away because your desperate ass is terrible to date. That is the pain that never leaves. Instead it scars you with a question of “what if” for the rest of your life. And that’s the worst. Because you know who you are and you know that the desperate you isn’t who you really are. Desperate you only comes around with your life sucks.

Desperate you is a clawing, crying, whining creature who can’t see past the pain you’re experiencing. Think of an abused animal backed into a corner. Probably one of the most dangerous things you can run across. That animal is terrified but driven by a deep need to survive. And even though you’re trying to help, even if your intentions are truly good, you’ll be brutally punished for your help.

What happens when your soulmate finds desperate you? It’s a mistake you’ll never undo.

So you commit. You force yourself into “not dating” mode so hard and fast that no one can stop you, not even desperate you. You dive headlong into improving your life. And eventually… you’ll find an upswing.

I need nothing

So I just wanted to say, in deep contrast to desperation, I need nothing.

My life is on an upswing again. And dating is taking care of itself. Without worrying at all, I’ve met two beautiful women. One, gorgeous, black, open to kink and exploring non-monogamy with me, a squirter (favorite….thing of mine), and said “I love how in control you are”. Damn right you do. That is the hottest thing anyone has ever said to me. And another… unsure as yet but charmingly shy. I can’t wait to see where we go. And more than anything I’m excited to have 2 women interested in being non-monogamous with me. I’ve waited a long time but never looked. I had to kill desperate me first. And he’s dead for now.

While I’ve made hundreds of mistakes here, I’ve learned. Desperate me has scared away some amazing, high quality women. And while I can look back on my feelings and thoughts as silliness, there are very real consequences. And so I chuckle because I see myself in you. And I see my pain in you, and I hope you will learn past it. But I chuckle because I also know, we only ever learn by doing it ourselves.