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Expectations

You will never get more out of life than you expect.  –Bruce Lee

The sky is the limit with your goals but you have to realize that setting low expectations can pigeonhole you into mediocrity.  And for most people, for most goals, that’s alright.  Do you need to be the best “weight loser” ever?  Probably not.  In fact, to start learning behavioral change you should really start with easy goals.  Don’t make it amazing, just a humble 20lbs over 2 months.  Very easy.  And that’s why it’s a great “starter” goal to set, but what if you’re already good at these elements of behavioral change (High value goal setting and limiting behaviors)?  Where do you go now?

Most people make the mistake of “forever” goals when what they really want is better served with a High Value goal.  But if you have those steps down and want something more, NOW those “someday” and “forever” goals come into play.  And they should be huge.  The big idea here, the larger strategic picture is that you should test out behaviors and see what you really like.  You don’t have to commit to being a gymrat for the rest of your life just to lose 20 lbs.  It just requires a few simple changes and a bit of psychological knowledge.  But when you do find something that fills you with wonder, you need to go full bore.  This is the passion chasing they always talk about.  (The big secret is that passions come from what you’re good at–so getting good at things is the first step, THEN your passion flows into them).  Think of it like this.  Where would we be without those crazy goals?  Where would we be without those inspiring and dangerous goals?  Where would we be if everybody was “reasonable”?

Look at the difference in my goals as they evolved from months ago to now:

4 months ago: “I want to write 12 practice ads this month and get feedback on them so I can learn copywriting–which will lead to more persuasive websites for my businesses.

Now: “I want to be a world-class copywriter.

7 months ago: “In 6 months, I want to develop a comprehensive self-defense curriculum so I can teach women how to be safe faster than anyone else in my city.

Now: “I want to be the best martial arts instructor in the world–with the most scientific approach to hand to hand combat that there is.

Be unreasonable.  Be ridiculous.  Be completely unrealistic.  Break the “rules of behavioral change” I’ve laid out for you.  (if you’re clever, tell me what’s wrong with the forever goals in the comments–if I was just learning behavioral change, why would these goals make me fail?)

Here is why you should be ridiculous.

A goal is not always meant to be reached.  It often serves simply as something to aim at.  –Bruce Lee

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Reposted from elsewhere.  Those in the know will know, those who don’t… well you’re just unlucky.  I love the other place I posted this.  😉

I chuckle as I traipse through my life.  I have an Okcupid and… well the other site that this post was posted at.   Consistently I see ads.  The bad ones all have the same subtext–most without the subtext, they wear it like a banner and never realize the message they send.  I see “I need …”.  “I need an older man”.  “I need a girlfriend” (posted by the paramount of pathetic–something very similar to ‘lonelyguy7’ I shit you not.  Anyway…).

And it always smacks of desperation. There are points of my life where I can definitely relate. So I don’t judge (except in cases of the “banner wearing” types). I chuckle because desperation will never lead to something you want. And the delusion that it will… well it’s a silly time in life. It doesn’t feel silly to you, I know that. But one day, you’ll look back and think “god I was stupid.” Kind of like high school. Think back to all those dramas… all those little assertions of “this stuff matters” and then you get to the real world. The only place anything from high school matters is in college and that only goes so far as getting scholarships. Nothing else mattered from those times. Work ethic would be the only deep skill set you’ll need and you best damn hope you learned it in high school. To learn it in college costs tens of thousands of dollars. But I digress.

So let’s lay a few things out there that you’ve heard but maybe never understood–I know I didn’t… understand I mean.

“The best people come when you aren’t looking.”

Yea, it’s true. So in my desperate times I intentionally forced myself into the mindset of “I’m not dating or looking or anything right now”. It forced me to prioritize. Okay, what do I do with my career now? What about this that and the other thing. The focus shifted. And I got into the mindset of “When the rest of my life fits, I’ll worry about women.” Why? Because when I try in desperation, I only find people who are attracted to desperation. And frankly, those are the worst kinds of people. Leeches and parasites, attracted to drama like moths to a flame. But the real danger is finding someone who is perfect for you… and scaring them away because your desperate ass is terrible to date. That is the pain that never leaves. Instead it scars you with a question of “what if” for the rest of your life. And that’s the worst. Because you know who you are and you know that the desperate you isn’t who you really are. Desperate you only comes around with your life sucks.

Desperate you is a clawing, crying, whining creature who can’t see past the pain you’re experiencing. Think of an abused animal backed into a corner. Probably one of the most dangerous things you can run across. That animal is terrified but driven by a deep need to survive. And even though you’re trying to help, even if your intentions are truly good, you’ll be brutally punished for your help.

What happens when your soulmate finds desperate you? It’s a mistake you’ll never undo.

So you commit. You force yourself into “not dating” mode so hard and fast that no one can stop you, not even desperate you. You dive headlong into improving your life. And eventually… you’ll find an upswing.

I need nothing

So I just wanted to say, in deep contrast to desperation, I need nothing.

My life is on an upswing again. And dating is taking care of itself. Without worrying at all, I’ve met two beautiful women. One, gorgeous, black, open to kink and exploring non-monogamy with me, a squirter (favorite….thing of mine), and said “I love how in control you are”. Damn right you do. That is the hottest thing anyone has ever said to me. And another… unsure as yet but charmingly shy. I can’t wait to see where we go. And more than anything I’m excited to have 2 women interested in being non-monogamous with me. I’ve waited a long time but never looked. I had to kill desperate me first. And he’s dead for now.

While I’ve made hundreds of mistakes here, I’ve learned. Desperate me has scared away some amazing, high quality women. And while I can look back on my feelings and thoughts as silliness, there are very real consequences. And so I chuckle because I see myself in you. And I see my pain in you, and I hope you will learn past it. But I chuckle because I also know, we only ever learn by doing it ourselves.

So I have mind boners for several individuals.  Normal people call this idolization.  I don’t like that word and mind boner is much more accurate.

One of them posted this gem of a post titled “Classic line: “She should like me for who I am”” and it’s the inspiration for today.

I highly recommend you check it out.

Okay so mind boners aside, I just wanted to take a second and say I’m fucking unattractive.  Allow me some bullet points.

  • I dropped out of college with no degree
  • I’m 25(2 weeks from 26) and have no car
  • I have no full time job– because I’m lazy (for about 7 of the past 11 months) and stubborn (for the remaining 4 of the past 11 months of being technically unemployed)
  • I was in college for like… fuck 6 years(?!?!? Yes really..) before I did drop out
  • I make basically enough money to support myself and sometimes not even that much
  • I still have toys.  Kind of a lot of them.  Most of which were bought in the past 3 years, before my financial hardships.

And I sit here and have the audacity to wonder “how did it go wrong?” with my recent ex!

Ridiculous right?  Worse than that, lack of funding slaughters my confidence and so I have issues getting laid.  Okay, not huge ones, I’m sexy as fuck in the looks department and can lay on the charm pretty thick but when it counts, when it’s a girl I really like (like my recent ex), I fail out and yet don’t have the balls to just say “hey this is a bad idea, let’s reschedule”.  This post is a reflection of a change there though.  Fuck dating.

Despite that, I’m happy.  If you read that post, he talks a lot about his guy friends who whine about not being able to attract girls.  I really don’t have that issue, amazingly.  I get it.

I’m not attractive and so I don’t really try.  Girls find me, we go on dates and i become a placeholder.  I’m the in-between guy until she finds someone she’s really keen on.  I want more but, without the rest of my life in order, I’m not surprised at all to find girls never stay.  What else would I expect?!?!?

My recent ex, well… I forgot I’m just the placeholder.  I thought I was more so I visited for a week.  And I wasn’t confident.  And it went horribly!

So know your place, guys and gals!  If you’re not attractive, then change it or resign to it.  In my case, I’m an aspiring entrepreneur.  HUGE on aspiring.  I make bits of money here and there but nothing solid and not consistently (that old laziness is a problem).  My “someday” is still coming.  It’s getting sharper and sharper in focus.  And I’m about to launch a thing but my life (and how I rationalize my lack of regular employment) is almost like a self-assigned punishment.  Until I get this area of my life handled, I don’t deserve the kind of love I want.

Ultimately it’s kind of stupid though, don’t you think?  I mean, to do a lot of what I want would just require a simple job application.  Several businesses near my home–literally across the street in one case–are hiring, the neighbor offered to hook me up at his job out of the blue and the money would be nice.  So why don’t I?  Why don’t I “put my time in” like everybody else?  Arrogance, laziness, and this persistently annoying thought of “I don’t have to”.

If that makes you mad, wait until I actually make it.  Or end up homeless.  Really these are the only two ways this life track shakes out…

I love marketing.  I know the power of a good title.  In business terms, you want to encapsulate your prospect’s deepest emotional want into the name while promising a result.  The best example I’ve ever seen is
“Double your dating”.
There’s also
“5 hour energy”.
“I will teach you to be rich”.
“Earn 1K on the side.”

It gets the entire idea across instantly, doesn’t it?  It also promises results.  Double your dating?  Well you can imagine what that would look like.  It’d be amazing wouldn’t it?  To go from say… dating one girl a year to 2 girls a year… well that’s actually a pretty big difference.  Earn $1K on the side?  That’s actually a life changing amount of money.  Just $1,000 extra say.. over 2 months.  Really different isn’t it?

I just saw an ad for a product called “stealth seduction”.  It was a video pitch with a darkly themed little page.  I didn’t listen to the pitch.  I didn’t need to.  The title got it all across.

First off, redundant.  Seduction already implies an element of stealth since it’s defined as “[to] attract (someone) to a belief or into a course of action that is inadvisable or foolhardy”.  If you’re not stealthy, then the seduction won’t work.

Second and much more importantly, the type of guy who sticks around for that may possibly be able to actually get a girl or two but people don’t stay tricked forever… and there’s only a certain type of girl who can be seduced that way or at all.  Wouldn’t it be better to actually be attractive?  Instead of tricking girls into being attracted, you’re just being who you are.  Silly product.  Alright name (although notice how no result is actually promised?) but a bad approach.  But I’m sure a lot of insecure little boys will buy it.  Insecure people are very suggestible, after all.

Ha, maybe that’s what it’s selling.  Dupe.. err I mean SEDUCE other insecure little boys into buying this thing that doesn’t really work.

It’s wrong.  For anyone who buys, they won’t get what they actually want.  And that’s bad business.  May you fail miserably as a business, Stealth Seduction.  That fate would already be too good for you.

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