Archives for category: Hilarity ensues

Let’s talk about Circumcision.  I am not circumcised.  I live completely naturally and have an amazing dick.  Not only do I think so (a feat every man seems able to accomplish) but it has gotten similar ratings from multiple women all with extremely varied personalities. This, I assume, only means that it is indeed at least as amazing as I make it out to be.

So I know there are thousands of folks out there who have already weighed in on this.  There are sound (logically, I have no idea if they are sound medically) medical arguments from both sides.  I’ve been told once I hit 40 I’ll face all sorts of extreme problems with my amazing little HUGE guy.  I’ve also been told, by another doctor, mind you, that so long as I pay it more attention than your average guy has to during my hygiene routines that I’ll be fine.  This is of course no problem for me as I seem to have penis narcissism.

While there are many people out there weighing in and while there may be a huge debate about it on the internet, how many of these people are actually uncut?  Based on my research (I briefly considered googling and then decided the flood of dick pix that undoubtedly brings just wasn’t worth it so I got cheetos instead) we don’t really get the natural man’s opinion and so here I am.  This is both my duty and my calling.  I have to share with you what it’s like to have an amazing, uncut dick.  You’re excited?  You should feel my nipples!

History
For whatever reason, jews thought god was awesome.  I can jive with that.  I think the flying spaghetti monster is awesome too.  Now as jews went about their religious life and such, they began trying to find ways to worship properly.  Soon they wanted to sacrifice something to show how much they believed in god.  At some point, Jeff the jew (I assume, that’s a pretty jewish name) piped up and said, “I KNOW, let’s cut off the tip of our dicks and offer that to him!”  Now, I have nothing against jews.  I get my news from a jew.  But I really have to question Jeff the jew and all the other jews who NEVER QUESTIONED HIM.  Who thinks that’s a good idea?  Yeah, he’ll totally love this bunch of dick skin we’re sending him.  I wish someone would cut off the tip of their dick for me.  That would just make my day…

Maybe jeff got made fun of.  I can sorta understand that I guess.  But the more logical conclusion is that the jewish people have some pretty fucked up views on god.  “He totally wants our dick skins or he’ll send us to hell.”  That’s super weird.  Moving on.

What it is
Circumcision refers to cutting the foreskin of the cock off.  The foreskin is a protective covering over the glans of the penis.  Look it up if you need more.  It usually occurs close after birth… About 1 – 2 days after birth.  Great start to life: “Hey son, welcome to the world, now smile real big cuz this is going to hurt.”

What it’s like to have an amazing dick
Now, I won’t attribute all of my dick’s amazingness to just being uncut.  I got a great size, not too big or small and I know exactly how to work it.  But I think the uncut look helps.  I like to look at it.  Thusly, I spend much of my time naked.  Win for the human race right there, I look dope naked.  Others apparently like to look at it also as I became a professional nude model in record time according to the lady I worked for.

Having an uncut dick is pretty awesome.  Here are the cons.
CON: Most guys can simply shake their cock after they pee and be ready to go.  My foreskin likes to hang onto some pee so I have to sorta milk my cock so I don’t have that annoying dribble that runs down your leg.
CON: strange white bits of stuff tend to end up in there after sex.  I assume it’s cum and such, while not a huge issue if left for very long it begins to irritate my delicates–red and itchy.
CON: Few men (in america) have foreskin so you’ll freak out and think you have STD’s when it’s really just some aspect of being uncut.. like the previous con.
Half-CON: Lint will occasionally get trapped in the entrance, so I have more in common with a dryer than most people.  Which looks impeccable on a resume.
CON: Increased risk of STI’s and UTI’s.  According to some very suspect studies, there are increased risks for these, particularly AIDS and HPV.  Using a condom will cut down on both but HPV isn’t transmitted just sexually so that is a threat regardless of circumcision status.  Also, I’ve never had an UTI or STI during my whole 25 yrs on this planet and numerous partners (not always safe, so I’m lucky).

And now the Pros:
PRO: Sex could be better.  According to some article I can’t remember now, there are extra estrogen receptors in the foreskin that mean I respond better to a female who orgasms.  Win win for everyone right?  Also it could make me more sensitive and thereby make sex more enjoyable for me.
PRO: Women don’t really notice.  When they do, it’s not that bad.  One particularly fond memory and I had sex a few times before I mentioned something about it.  She immediately went down to investigate and then was amused by the novelty of it.  Win win again.
PRO: It will amuse YOU.  While most men seem to have no trouble playing with their cocks, I have something extra to fiddle with.  Sexual or not, it’s fun to mess with my foreskin.  It’s remarkably stretchy since it has to accommodate me getting hard.  Can you even imagine the fun I’ve had with this?  It’s kinda like having my own silly putty.  I can stamp a newspaper onto it.  I can even hold my dick and whip the foreskin around really fast to create a small fan in an emergency.  ENDLESS possibilities.
PRO: It makes fun noises.  Since I am naked so often, my cock swings freely.  Moving down the stairs quickly enough makes a satisfyingly amusing smack sound as the foreskin hits my thigh.
PRO: It keeps you hygienic.  Now, not saying I’d be a swamp thing if it wasn’t for my foreskin (I would be) but it does give me extra incentive to be clean.  If I don’t clean it, it starts to get irritated after roughly a day.  Cleaning is easy, pull foreskin back (which makes it so I’m virtually circumcised anyway) apply soap, gently rub and rinse thoroughly.

So now, and in the future, think about circumcision.  In fact, for you ladies and gay men out there, this is a great pick up line.  “Are you circumcised?  No?  Well let me see it.”  And if you like the looks, take it out for a spin.  If it’s anything like my amazing dick, you’ll be glad you listened to me.  I have no clue why my parents never got me cut, but I thank them for not doing that at least every week.

Found, laughed.  Enjoy.

Time this post will consume: 40seconds

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